Real Life, Ugh
by TheDemonLady
Summary: Not my usual style, but this is real stuff First chapter is short and is basically just a summary. Promise. But this is me dealing with the injuries I got from being hit by a car while riding a bike. More inside. ;p I'd like to suggest reading the end notes of the first chapter. Shameless self-promotion, BUT while this might not be to your liking, reading the endnotes sends you to
1. What The Haps Is

Hello, whoever is out there!

**1) I am sorry for just noticing the mess up of this first chapter, hopefully, this fixes it!**

It's me and I am so sorry I've been gone.

Believe it or not, I have a pretty legitimate excuse.

I was out and about picking up some Marvel posters on my bike when some dude in a car hit me.

I was in a coma for a while and in a hospital for longer. I have physical injuries and brain damage (fun) so any good vibes or prayer you want to send my way would be greatly appreciated.

For a little while this fun place will actually hold non-fiction (gasp!) as I document just some of what my circumstances are doing to me. I hate to break it to you, but most of it will be about me emotionally and all the reasons I am a horrible person. If people are okay with it _some_ will include gross bits about my injuries, but those will be made easily skippable for those not signed up for that. But hey, anyone sticking around only because they are hoping for gross details to spread to family and friends, hooray! I do have brothers and whenever my youngest one is starting to get too annoying or uppity I threaten to show him my wounds. It's fun, promise.

Anyway, once I get a few of those out of my system we'll go back to our regular programming. I will _**try**_ to have the first one back be special.

Until we meet again my friends.

TDL 3


	2. Angsty Teen

_**ALONE**_

I just want to say that I _WAS_ an angsty teen at the time when I wrote this and I shared a room with my brothers, I obviously wouldn't be left alone in the common rooms, and anytime I went outside friendly neighbors were there. NO! Yes, I do seem nice and sweet, but all I am thinking about is stabbing you because I came out here and I have a book and earbuds in! Not exactly looking for conversation with strangers. I just found this again and I figured High School me would like to know it's out there in the world.

I am still trying to figure out if this should go on the blog. Here I am Anonymous, blog not so much.

BTW You guys, know about the blog. I am happy to share my personal work with you all.

BLOG CAN'T FIND ME ON FANFICTION. 1)My family knows about my blog 2) All of my parents' ultra-conservative Christian friends do too. They know I disagree with them on many things, and they know I disagree to a great extent. They do not need to know how great of an extent. FF is private to me, I am open to the fact that I love it and the Slash is my jam, but some things are just between us right?

*Story Time*

I want to be left alone without being alone

What does that mean? I am going to tell you

I don't want to be nagged and cornered, I just want to be alone in the dark. But the dark, while sometimes comforting, can be scary and dark. So I want to know that when I reach my hand out there will be someone there willing to hold my hand.


	3. Feelings, double Ugh

Now you guys might be thinking, is she really writing a _fEeliNgS_ piece that has no direct link to her injuries only to the circumstances while sitting at a metal lacework table under a tree at 1am!?

My answer would be, Wow, are you stalking me or something?

I actually wrote the bulk of this piece while sitting next to the subject and quite a bit earlier, but life has a way of throwing things at you so the only time you get to sit and eat or type is at 1am. But, hey, at least there is this table and matching chair under a tree that makes writing something so out of my comfort zone idyllic.

So, onto the piece, not a long one I promise. Unless you wanted a long one, then I am sorry.

Due to the crash and who I am as a person, I am in several group therapies. This has come with a pretty new revelation. It's not that weird of one, just one I've never specifically thought about before. That being said, I don't know a girl that doesn't feel this way. Whether they have actively thought about it or not. Who Knows. Anywho, if you feel the same or super differently, boy or girl I just can only speak from the female perspective I don't mean to block you guys out, I am super interested. So, it _**does**_ have to do with boys, sorry, but it does. Sometimes life be like that. I feel like this is along the lines of girls liking musicians. 'Cuz we do. Some actively think about it, some don't until they see some random guy from class they've never truly noticed before shredding the guitar or rocking the oboe and suddenly they realize they like a guy who can rock.

I have found that it is infinitely attractive when a guy takes emotional responsibility. Just taking the time to figure out who you, you being the guy, are and that **ALL** the emotions you feel are not only okay but valid. But also taking the steps to learn when and how it is appropriate to act on them.

It does help when they are nice and adorable, but taking the steps to be a strong and well functioning member of society hella takes the cake.

Not gonna lie, when one of the guys takes the steps to be prepared and involved… I a little bit forget I'm taken.

Soooo, that was fun. I hope you guys enjoyed. And I really hope you relate cuz I'm just out here chilling on my Weirdo Island in my Doctor Who blankie, with Hot CoCoa and Chicken Noodle soup. Friends are welcome! Agreeing or naysayers. I probably won't share my snacks, they are too yummy. Sorry.

But seriously, I can only speak from a straight females perspective so I mean, people who are into girls do you think you would find this attractive?

People who are into guys, what's your take?

Now seriously, I need a nap.

What's sleep again?

Until next time! 3 3 3


	4. A Not Gross Injury One!

Okay guys, awkward story.

Actually directly involving my injuries this time.

So as a direct result of my luck, my brain bleed is right where your action control and mouth filters are. Yay me.

Also, btw, I am bipolar and part of my brain injury means I can't take my meds for it.

So even if I sometimes am able to control the uncensored part of me, that flies out the window when my emotions get amped up. Which they do a lot even when I have my meds, without them guess who is rarely in a state of stable emotions and is not currently physically able to handle a broken brain.

Why bring this up?

Because along with the "oh hey, you just got hit by a car" mentality that makes it difficult for some people to break bad news to me, but while I am usually honest, with the brain break I can be uncomfortably forward about personal subjects and not even notice.

I SWEAR this was completely an accident. But luckily this is what let me know that I am still dealing with brain issues.

So, my boyfriend and I are long distance and as such we don't get to see each other much.

BUT he was in town to visit family between semesters and I am in town because I am not medically cleared to live on my own so I'm back with my parents. (Another post about that sometime and the super fun of being in the middle of their divorce!) SO WE GO OUT!

I was so nervous and excited. It was insane. I hadn't seen him since Christmas and I thought for sure it would be much longer until I saw him again.

Did I mention that emotions trigger my brain into spewing forth information that is 1) nobody's information (definitely need to know basis stuff) and 2) maybe they do need to know, but definitely not here and definitely not now.

So here we are at dinner and my poor sweet innocent boyfriend is hearing all about how I've been sexually assaulted on nigh on a constant basis since I was 3 and when adults found out they said it was all my fault so I basically deserved it. Great dinner conversation, right? I am honestly not too sure if I said more than that. I got into such a state that my brain stopped making memories… maybe a blessing?

Fun

So that's bad enough, right?

I made it home and I didn't calm down enough to notice the inappropriateness of my conversation topic for quite a while.

When I did I STRESSED out. I seriously spent DAYS freaking out about it and here's the worse part. A few days ago, so about two weeks after, I finally come across the notion that this just _might_ have been…

A BREAK-UP DATE. At what point in the night is it a good idea to interrupt your date who almost died recently and is telling you some of her past trauma, that you're ready to fly solo again?

SO AGAIN, super not on purpose, but I might have just super guilted my boyfriend into staying with me.

That's the fun of a brain injury I guess. Who knows if I'll ever get up the guts to ask him if that was his intention, but even if it was, he is NOT a liar, but he is the _**sweetest**_ guy, and would never be able to actually tell me that he had meant to break up with me.

Yay me!


	5. More Feelings, Less Boys

This is pretty much just going to be a collection of really small writings that have hit me this week. Sorry that they are all so short. (Or is that a you're welcome?)

Can I just say something? I ask as if I can hear your answer and it will stop me from writing this.

I am a grown adult woman (I actually am, I'm not a supposedly well endowed nice guy who needs to make sure you know it because how would you come to that conclusion on your own.)

Okay, joke I could have bypassed aside, I am a grown adult woman, but one feeling that I will never stop loving is being tucked in.

As I go to bed, it's been years, but I'm sure it's nice. I'm talking about when my covers have been either kicked off in the night or the dog moved them and someone takes the time out of their morning to put it carefully over me again or add another if it's chilly.

To take that time which really I would never usually know about just so I feel more comfortable. I feel so loved, so important, so cared for, and so warm. Nothing can hurt me when somebody cares that much.

On that happy note.

Friends

Does anyone ever actually want or need to see me?

Does anyone feel about me even a fraction of what I feel about them?

What if they don't? What if it's pity or that they just need me for this right now and then they're done with me?

I have no shame in the fact that I've been in therapy and dudes, straight up, my therapist said I have to quit getting so attached to friendships because some of them are just being friends with me right now for essay help and project supplies and not take it personally when they ghost me at the end of the semester. So, that has happened, but what if that's all there is?

I am a real mess of a person, what if no one actually likes or loves me and is just waiting for the time I am no longer useful and they can just cut me loose?

If I can't even love myself, how can they find something in me to really love and not just find useful for the time being?

I don't have many people, but the few I have… there is a really clear possibility that they feel like they _have_ to be friendly towards me and pity makes them act as friends to me.

They are so nice that there is no way even if I confront them that they would say anything other than love, but what if that comes from duty, not love?

What if my life is truly as empty as it sometimes feels?

On those super happy questions let's move onto the super happy…

EXPECTATIONS!

People can be ridiculous.

So, like I said I am an adult, but I am still pretty new into adulting and I have a baby face, so people like to tell me what I NEED to be an adult.

They can be so stupid about it and not take into account, circumstances, practicality, or if it's even right for you.

Examples:

"You're not really an adult until you have sex, just find some nice guy and get it over with." Fun fact, I don't want my first time to just be "getting it over with" and I feel no need to just let someone put their hands on me to make YOU comfortable.

"Until you have your driver's license. Just get one right now before you go back to school and work." I'm sorry if right out of a coma I don't feel like getting my driver's license. Also, with what car? My dad's falling apart stick shift, the only car I have access to, but again, falling apart stick shift? OR how about the fact that the hospital **told the DMV** I am not allowed behind the wheel until I get cleared by them and the second I am cleared _**I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND WORK**__. _Sorry Karen, but some of us have to actually make money to support ourselves and go to school to advance ourselves.

There are others, of course, those are just the two I _**HATE**_ with a burning passion.

Why do others think they get to decide these things for us? Age and responsibility. That is what counts, not your pointless milestones.

Straight up peeps, what are the most annoying ones you have heard or that you hate the most no matter how plebeian or rudimentary?

It's super short, and I never made it into the video, but if after all the fun we've had today you want to see a bit of a funnier take on how super fun my life is right now please feel free to check out this post and give me free internet points that for some reason are a balm to my wounded ego. (Wounded ego not a result of the car, the car had nothing against me, just a result of being me)

r/MoarStories/comments/c6n69k/2019_is_just_the_best/

_**SUPER EXCITING NEWS!**_

At least I think so.

I have been having some _serious_ Harry/Lucius vibes today

Now, my writing has not come back, but I am really hoping that this is the sign of its return

Hopefully someday soon I'll be at Denny's at 2am making Canon Lucius and Harry cringe


	6. The Truth

So, today I went into the police station to get my broken, but sentimental, bike back and to buy my police report. Point of fact, I did not know originally I would have to pay for my police report.

I wasn't sure about the whole paying for my report thing because my money is zero, but I figured if nothing else it would have the address of the accident and I could at least answer that question for people who keep asking me that as if it's something someone with brain damage and memory loss will remember . Mini vent, sorry. But I just bought it, I wasn't sure it would really do anything I think I was mostly just anxious about asking for it and not being able to take it over $12 and telling people who I had mentioned getting it to that I left without it.

I am so glad I did.

Ever since the accident I have been pretending not to care when no one listens to me about the accident. I understand that I don't remember it, because of the whole dude hitting me with his car bit, but if he said I was dancing the hula naked in the street while screaming mein kampf I would still know he was lying. He claims I was riding my bike against a red in front of him he tried to stop and he couldn't. Fun Fact: My Opa just built me that bike I protect it with every part of myself always, and I have serious anxiety about me on my bike around cars (I wonder why) so I always get off of it and walk it across the crosswalk rather than cross the street on it. So I KNEW, I KNEW he was lying. But everyone including my mom said he had to be right because he is the only one who remembers it and he would NEVER lie about almost killing me. Not only that, my mom refused to tell me anything about him and I wasn't allowed to be angry or even talk about the fact that he HIT ME WITH HIS CAR because after that he didn't also run me over. How sweet. I should send him roses.

So, the police report.

He was 21. He was going 35-40mph. He was not drunk and they do not believe he was on his phone.

He was right, he did nothing wrong.

Except the lying.

I was mostly right.

Apparently my anxiety tried to finish the job.

I was walking my bike across the crosswalk apparently too slow for another idiot driver. I had the walk signal, but it had started blinking. Fine, I can still complete this to hell with impatient jerks.

I was still walking when he started to honk at me. My anxiety reacts in two ways to loud noises. 1) Run like a bunny and get the hell out of there, now! 2) Freeze and maybe the predator won't see you. I literally cannot control it. I never know it is happening until I calm down. So if you want me to move faster honking really isn't going to help you a good 50% of the time.

So there I was. Frozen. The guy did have a green. When he noticed me he apparently tried to stop, but hydroplaned and hit me carrying me 15 feet before I rolled off of his car.

He stopped and tried to help and a witness stayed to talk to police.

So in your face doctors! It wasn't my depression trying to kill me this time, it was my anxiety!


End file.
